There was a girl who everyone knew as the one who always seems to be smiling. She did smile a lot, but people were just ignorant to the fact that maybe there was a little more to her than meets the eye. She went to school everyday and did the same old same old. Mostly hiding the fact that there was something wrong in order to stop drama in her friendship groups. There were things she didn’t want to say, didn’t want to tell anyone. She went home everyday, stayed in her room all night and then laid in bed and cried. Yeah, most nights she fucking cried. No. She’s not attention seeking, crying is NOT attention seeking you ignorant bastards. Crying is a way of expressing bottled up emotions and she had a lot of those.
Barely anyone sat down with her or called her to see if she was okay, people just assumed that all the time she was great. They just assumed. Assumed. She could have been suicidal that day and you just didn’t look far enough. Then any time someone did ask her if she was alright it was just for small talk or gossip. People didn’t really care about her. People never really care.
So she’d cry most nights and wouldn’t stop. Problems just pile up and they’re so heavy. She didn’t want to tell most people because she always felt like a burden or like they’d just shrug it off when these things meant something to her. Just because it’s not a problem in your eyes doesn’t mean it’s not a problem in theirs. Everyone is different. She’d only tell her closest of best friends but even then she’d be scared that they just wouldn’t care. Not because she thought they were bad people but because she truly thought it didn’t matter.
She self harms, you know. Or maybe you wouldn’t because you’re not looking hard enough. She almost wanted you to notice so maybe you’d see the pain she’s in. Those cuts that she says are “just from her cats,” it’s bullshit. She’s depressed as fuck for a number of reasons but you didn’t see that. Or maybe you didn’t want to believe that someone so “happy” could be someone who cuts themselves. She’s not emo, dickheads, she just wants to bleed so she can hurt herself for being so fucking stupid and ugly and worthless. Most days she looks in the mirror and wonders why it doesn’t break. She talks to someone and wonders why the heck they’re talking back. She feels like dirt.
One night, she gets home and she gets the skipping rope or the knife or the pills and she sits and writes the letter to her family apologising to them. She wonders how she’ll let all of her friends on Twitter know. She thinks about if someone will miss her. She’s right on the edge, so close. Then she remembers her promises and she rips up the letter and puts everything back so no-one suspects a thing.
She wants to lay down, close her eyes and just “sleep.”
But she won’t because she can’t because in a few years things will be different and hopefully better. She might move away and find new friends and her life will be better without the judgemental shits of high school. She’s different, so what? She’s ugly, only to you. She’s not weird, you’re just boring.
And it’s not just her. I bet you 3 in 5 of your friends feel like this too, maybe more. “What can I do?” you ask? You can notice. Look for the little signs. The signs that she or he wants you to know that they cut or that they’re depressed or that they need your help. And you can tell them they are beautiful, too, because it’s something people say about a person who commits suicide. “They were so beautiful.” Maybe say it to their face and they’ll stick around to hear it.
